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Certified Insanity Podcast

2/25/2016

I have some pretty cool important news. Yes, this is so 2013 but I am starting a podcast. It will be called Certified Insanity. And I will be co-hosting with two of my best buddies in the world, Kevin James Moore and Jason Ongoco. I always wanted to do something like this. A podcast. I was going to wait until I came up with the right idea or theme. Well there really is no theme except for the hilarious way the three of us interact. We have so many interesting stories that are sad, funny, and horrifying to share. The first episode drops March, 7th. I'm so excited to share. Please follow the podcast on twitter @Podcast_ci and I'll be posting soundclouds on here too. And we are renting a podcast studio to record it. If you would like to make a donation or compensate us for the entertainment and laughs we will give back to you. You can venmo at [email protected]
Any donation over 25, you will receive an autographed book of myself and Kevin.

I also have 2 great comedy shows in the LA area.
March 7- 8pm at the Pikey
March 10, 8pm at the ice House

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GTL: Goldberg, Tan, and Laundry

3/23/2015

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As soon as I return from my New York City trip, I'm going to tear up the California Coast. Im going up and down doing shows and ending with a shirtless workout at Venice Beach.
Tour Dates:

April 8 cork lounge, van nuys blvd 7pm
April 9 mission position 8pm cinecave sf
April 9 milk bar 8:30 san francisco
April 11 cobbs, sf 7:30
May 14, 8pm hollywood improv

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Calamity Matty

3/6/2015

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Hey my friends and fans. It's been forever since I blogged. It's been quite a 2015 for all the wrong reasons. I have been an awful walking calamity. The year started out with me burning my left eye out by sleeping next to a space heater. That is on me. My fault for sure. Just being a careless schmuck. For three days it felt like sandpaper was living in my left eye and it hurt just to blink. But with some fancy drops and no more space heater, my eyes are back to normal.

Then in mid-January I was in passenger seat on the freeway and a Mercedes rear ended me. That’s all I can say for now. You know legally and shit. But it was quite scary and stunning. Oh then one night I thought I was having a heart attack. I can't talk about it because it relates to paragraph above, but I assure you I'm completely fine. Got all the heart tests and my health in the heart department is great.

Okay, now shit gets weird. Less than two weeks ago I was petting my lovely cat Jeff Jack when he got a little scared and gave me a pretty mean love bite. I really didn't think much of it. Took a nap and a few hours later my hand completely swelled up. It's been a week of Epsom salt, anti-biotics and hell. I'm just getting back to normal. The swelling of my hand is almost back to normal. What will happen to me next? I'm going with either bear attack or snake bite. Or I'm on a ladder picking oranges from a tree and I fall and break some bones. If I could gamble on my own bad misfortune I'd put money on that.

OK good news is I have some great shows coming up (listed below) as well as NYC dates first week of April. April 1st doing pre-birthday show 8pm at New York Comedy Club. With an appearance of Wonderboy Kevin James Moore.

Oh I'm writing a little book of memoir type essays. 5 of them. Plan on selling em dirt cheap on the inter-
web. Like 2 bucks or something. I plan on posting one of the essays right here. That’s right one for free.

Not sure which one but I believe it will take place in the greatest decade ever; the 80's.

So hope all is well with everyone and carry on.

March 5 ice house, 8:15 pm. stage 2

March 9 the warehouse, marina del ray 8pm

March 25 mariposa grill, covina, ca 8pm

March 27 Sports harbour, marina del ray 7:30 pm

April 1, New York comedy club 8pm

April 2, New York Comedy Club 8pm (happy contest time)

April 3, New York comedy club 8pm

April 4, new York comedy Club 8pm

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High School Reunion 2014

11/24/2014

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My longest years were the time I served in high school. I was pretty clear about that in my book. So why go to my high school reunion? Is it a matter of pride or revenge? OK, I admit 5 years ago that was my motivation was rub in my success. I’d just finished up my Dwyane Wade Converse campaign, and I was riding high. I certainly wanted to stick it to a few assholes that I was able to do something. So I showed up all in a huff, ready to reign on anyone who gave me problems back in the day.

5 years ago that reunion went quite well. I had a few too many drinks and was coaxed into giving an impromptu roast. I hit some of my classmates hard. I was out for blood.

As classmate, Jennifer Meunster, said it best, “I’m so glad I wasn’t mean to Matty Goldberg.”

Tony Defeliece got it the worst. I love the kid but he showed up wearing camouflage pants and a Yankee jersey. Fucking jerkoff. He disrespected our whole class looking like a slob. Even I cleaned up and looked quite dapper.

This year I come from a more tranquil place, the state of California. Everything is mellow, and everything is groovy. I got no ill will. I got no revenge. I got love in my heart. I am bringing a smoking hot date as well. That helps. I just want to reminisce. Share some laughs. However, if I’m coaxed back on stage to roast, damn well I will. I always need the sad attention. I’m a tamer Matty.

I’ll post a full report on this blog when I get back.

Oh and because I’m in New York City, I’ll be doing one show at New York Comedy Club. Dec 2nd at 830

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East Coast October Tour 2014

9/24/2014

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Hey everyone. I know its been awhile and I promise to update this blog thingy
much more. And with more insightful shit than where I am performing.
Though I'm excited to say I am back on the East Coast with some comedy
dates. Two places I'm headlining is New Haven,CT and New Paltz, NY. Two
cities dear to my heart. New Haven is where my grandma lived and New
Paltz is where my late father worked. I'm sure I'll shed a few tears.
OK so here are the dates of performances. And yes I will have books to
sell and sign.

October 9 Jokers Wild- New Haven, CT 8pm
October 11 New York Comedy Club NYC 8pm
October 12 Shea OBriens, NEW Paltz, NY 8pm
October 14 New York ComedyClub,NYC 8:30
October 15, Yonkers Casino, Yonkers, NY 8pm

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New York City

3/10/2014

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An important part in my book and life was the time I spent at New York Comedy Club. From 2001 to 2004, I spent more time there than my own apartment. Aside from major holidays and a few road gigs I was there every day in many capacities. From usher, to receptionist to phone operator to bouncer to beer back to late night comic to weekend comic , I lived it. There were lots of tough nights, tough sets and plenty of tears. But I cherish every moment I spent there. I learned my craft.

I was thinking where to have my book party in New York City. I thought about perhaps a swank bar or a fancy restaurant, or even a hip comedy venue. But there was only one place to have it, New York Comedy Club. It’s the first time I stepped on stage and my life changed from depression to the most amazing freedom and purpose. I met some amazing comics and witnessed incredible sets from the likes of Bill Burr, Todd Barry and the late Patrice O’Neal.

I haven’t set foot there since 2009, and I can’t wait. A big thank you to Emilio Savone for helping put this night together. I know he has put so much time into making New York Comedy Club a great relevant place. I know when I step up on stage, I’ll get that same out of body experience I did every night ten years ago.

I really hope I see all my New York friends there. Its going to be a great lineup of some of New York’s finest. I will go on a little after ten and do a set and then read a chapter. Afer the show I’ll be signing and selling.

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February 23rd, 2014

2/23/2014

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So San Francisco, was an incredible success. Thank you to Cobbs Comedy Club, Punch Line and the Milk Bar for hosting amazing shows. There is a great comedy scene with some really funny and supportive guys and gals. It was great to sell some books as well. The next stop of my comedy/book tour is New York City from March 25 to April 1st. The Calendar section should have updates very soon.

The big book/comedy show will be March 26, 9pm at New York Comedy Club. It is special because its where it all began. I really hope I see plenty of familiar faces there. As I think about New York, my first order of business is to get a delicious, chicken parm slice at Carmines Pizza in Williamsburg, BK.

Here is something I wrote about the experience there. I initially wrote it for the book, but it didn’t make it. Well hope you enjoy, and see you all in New York soon.

Williamsburg, Brooklyn is a haven for rimmed glasses and thrift store shopping. Once full of abandoned warehouses and an affordable place to buy crack, the youth have taken over. Artists migrated here from all parts of the world and transformed it into a community full of boutiques, art stores, and overpriced sushi restaurants with waterfalls.

There is plenty of live music, galleries, and coffee houses to keep the mind sharp and alive with creative freedom. Sounds like a great place for a young comic like myself to bounce ideas on the other aspiring minds. Well then why are my best and only friends in the neighborhood the people at Carmine's pizza?

It’s a whole world more complex than a Pollock painting, and more acute to the ears then Bob Dylan's screeching voice. It’s a neighborhood thing that had its roots long before the word hipster even fit itself into skinny jeans. The people of Carmine's have been in Williamsburg their whole lives. They have seen it change, but they haven't seen anything like me.

I see Joey, the pizza delivery guy, outside. He calls me "Cuz" in a deep Brooklyn accent, as he hides underneath a Yankee cap.

"Take a ride with me, Cuz, see what I do"

I didn't expect to do this tonight but I'm in a grey van about to deliver a pizza with the most unsound member of the Carmine's family.

Instead of keeping his eyes on the road, Joey is more worried about entertaining me as he is fixated with the radio.

"What do you like, Cuz? You like rock? You a rock guy?"

"Sure," I said. Which gives reason for him to crank up the radio and blast a Soundgarden song.

"Or you like disco? You like disco?"

And that gives him the freedom to quickly change the station and hear the latest Kanye West jam.

"I'm more of a rock guy, but let’s talk."

"It’s all good, Cuz. Let’s talk, what do you need to know?" Joey said.

I ask him a simple question and his answer turns into a long-winded diatribe that’s tangled up chasing its own tail, it’s the strung together shouting of patients in a crazy house.

"You like living here?" I politely ask.

And off Joey goes, "Yeah its great here. Everyone here knows me. There is some shady motherfuckers but no one fucks with me. I'm good people, you know, Cuz? I'm good people. They know I'm crazy, I'm a crazy motherfucker. But good people you know? You’re good people. But I'm fucking crazy. People know better, they fuck with me I'll bust ‘em the fuck up. But I'm good people. I'm good. You hear me, Cuz?"

That made me afraid to ask another question.

I let the Soundgarden song fill the air and take us to the first delivery. Joey told me to wait in the car and assured me he’d be back soon. He came back five minutes later and before he gets to the door he tells me he has to piss.

Unzip; his fly opens and in the middle of the street he whips out his dick and starts peeing against his van.

"It’s all good, Cuz. I had to piss and I don't give a fuck."

So I head back to Carmine's and get a warm greeting from the waitresses, Mary Ann and Jen. Cute and from the neighborhood, they give the place plenty of eye candy. All the waitresses really like me, though none of them have any desire to fuck me. They save the flirting for the fireman and policeman who come in. I ask about their lives, and their boyfriends and they ask me about my career. Sometimes Mary Ann calls me a movie star when I walk in and it embarrasses me.

Perhaps it’s an appreciation for saying more to them than only my order. So many people just come in for their two slices after a night of partying. Carmine's was my hangout.

I sat in the back and ordered soup from Jen. She asked me when my next comedy show was happening. I told her tomorrow and it excited her.

"Oh, I might go. I have tomorrow off."

I offer to comp her but I know she isn't going. Many times she assured me she would be in the crowd and I've yet to see her. But it never bothered me. Nobody who worked there had actually seen me do stand-up live. Once I leave Carmines, that circle of friends exists no more.

In the back I sit staring at the Yankee jerseys and baseballs. I people watch and admire a girl who orders a slice to go as she struggles to make it to the counter in her tired feet. Troy takes her order.

He is the youngest of the Carmine clan, and possibly the strangest in a normal way. Like he wants to be normal so fucking bad. He can't get over my wrinkled shirt or that I sometimes wear the same clothes two days in a row. He once thought I was from Alaska because my hipster jacket said Alaska in the ironic cool way.

It must’ve been strange to live in the neighborhood his whole life and see all these new freaks move in. To him it’s like some sort of zombie cult sucking up everyone’s soul into funky clothes and bizarre hair dos. Sometimes in his head he must be wondering what happened to Frank Sinatra and Frankie Valli? Now those guys were fucking men.

The soup comes and I'm not alone for too long. Carmine quietly enters and quickly sits across from me. It’s his place, but by the way he acts you wouldn't know that.

He recently had a baby boy and it’s made him a lot more lethargic on these late nights. He is reading the NY Post and texting someone back and forth. We haven't said much to each other tonight, yet its still an honor for him to sit next to me. We have dreams. We made this commercial about a Red Sox fan that enters his pizza shop only to be ambushed by Yankee fans, and we discuss it possibly hitting. Will ESPN buy it or maybe the Yankees? These talks bring us together. I’m the closest guy to the Carmines family who isn't originally from the neighborhood, and that’s not easy.

I asked him if he liked all the new kids who moved in the neighborhood, and he tells me he does.

Maybe that’s an obvious answer from a businessman in the hood, but it seems sincere.

"The other day this kid brought his father into meet me, and that really meant something to me," Carmine said.

Telling that story brings out a little more animation in his face as he becomes more awake. He has pride in every Yankee picture and ball that decorates his store, and he wants to share it with his customers.

This place is authentic New York. A little extreme with a mural of Yankee greats when you walk in, but give him credit for going completely hardcore by having absolutely no Mets pictures anywhere.

It’s getting close to midnight and in steps the characters. There’s Gerrado, the good-looking Italian guy, fresh to the neighborhood. He speaks in broken English, and what comes out of his mouth is humorous.

"Go fuck yourself," is the only words that come out coherent, in his limited vocabulary.

Victor hasn't stopped by in a while. Overweight and always sweaty, he defends his Mets as Carmine annually rips them apart.

Artie is always in the back, hanging out. One of my best friends of the crew, he likes to brag about his ways with the ladies and his disdain for falling in love. He often tells me, "I gotta eat that pussy." It has almost become a mantra.

And then comes Philly the Reverend. He is expected to be by every midnight to pick up pizzas to hand out at homeless shelters. His good deed often comes with a price. Philly looks like he has been through a war. He obviously had a past with demons but now has found God and he is willing to sing about it. Disheveled in old clothes and a roly poly body, he comes in always with a smile. Every night he gets ambushed.

As soon as he enters Carmine's, Joey is summoned to harass him, and here it goes.

"Hey Philly, I got a blowjob this weekend from a hooker. This girl was sucking my cock. "

It works, Philly is miffed.

"Joey you’re sick, you need help."

"Hey Philly, she sucked all the cum out of my cock, she sucked me dry, I shot a load right on her face."

And then Philly begins to frown, he wants to heal.

"Joey, Joey, why, this sex talk? Sex, it’s about love. You have to get help. Joey you are not well."

It doesn't stop.

"Philly, this girl, fucked me right in the back of my car, riding my nuts. What you think of that? Whens the last time you had your nuts sucked?"

Everyone explodes, laughing. Its gotten to Philly as he leaves with pizza pies in hand and spirit broken. Joey runs to Phillies car for one more message. He grabs his crotch and screams.

"Suck these fucking nuts, you fat fuck."

Again plenty of laughter and a soul not saved.

What a cast of characters we have here," Carmine says.

He shakes his head to the ending of another night. I concur as I'm still here long after my soup and pizza has been digested. Three hours spent in a pizza shop and I'm wondering why. Maybe because it does feel like a family I never had. Many nights I wonder in there depressed thinking I'll spend five minutes and I end up spending the whole night. All the ribbing, and all the lighthearted teasing brings me satisfaction. They don't look like me, but they get me and they care about me. Or maybe the answer is really simple; the food is that damn good.

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San Francisco

2/10/2014

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So February 16th and 17th, I will be making my debut in beautiful San Francisco. Well, I shouldn't say it’s beautiful because I've never been there. But from what I've been told it’s an amazing city with great food, great atmosphere, and the best comedy crowds. I’m excited to see if this is all true. As far as places I want to see - let’s say I’m a strange dude, I want to see the exterior shots used in the cult classic film, “The Room.” I also want to visit the location where cab driver Paul Stein was shot and killed by the alleged Zodiac Killer. And that’s it. I can live without seeing the Full House, house. San Francisco will also be a fascinating trip, because it will re-unite me with a couple of old high school classmates. There is one dude in particular I want to catch up with. The last time I saw him was on the most bizarre terms ever. I won’t say his name here because I am sure he is embarrassed by this story, and hell we were all young and stupid, but here it goes:

OK, its ten days after my second surgery. I was just moved from the Intensive Care unit to a regular hospital room. Despite being bandaged and in a daze I’m in good spirits knowing that my 2 surgeries were successful and I am on my way to a healthy recovery. I’m also expecting three of my friends to visit from Woodstock. They arrive in the afternoon, and one of them has decided to bring a little gift for himself. I kid you not he walks in with a hard core nudie mag called ‘Cheery.’ It’s the first thing I notice and it woke me up from my dazed stupor.
“Put that fucking thing away,” I said, using all my angry energy.
“What,” my friend said, incredulous to why I would be mad. “Its ‘Cherry’, they got the best beaver shots.
I've been waiting for months to get this mag.”
“Dude its disgusting, and the nurses come in and out, if I could get up…”
My other two friends stood there in utter disbelief. I guess when you see a guy reading a nudie mag in the middle of the day in a public place, you don’t make a fuss. That person is usually psychotic and best to stay away. And so my friend won. For the next two hours he sat in a hospital chair reading ‘Cherry’ like he was reading ‘The Wall Street Journal.’ Lucky for me I got tired and dosed off a few times, as my friend sat there more excited for his nudie mag then to see his sick friend.
“Guess you gotta stick with the ones you know,” he said as he happily read. After that, I only allowed my
family to visit. So I was so furious, I never contacted that guy again and refused to take his calls. He lives in San Jose and through the power of Facebook we briefly caught up. He bought the book and was relieved that story did not make the book. Well it didn't make the book but it sure made a fun blog. See you on the 17th!

And thank god the internet was invented.

Oh yeah, Feb 16th I am doing a set at the Punchline at 8 pm.

Feb 17th, I’m headlining the Milk Bar on Height St at 8 pm I will do an extended set as well as read a chapter from the book. CAN’T WAIT!

MG

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Update

1/20/2014

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Hello everyone, hope 2014 has been decent. I’m happy to say ‘Brain Humor’ has been out for a month and the feedback has been very sweet. I appreciate all of the kind words and reviews I have received. Thus far in my life, this book is the creation I am most proud of. I plan on doing a lot more stand-up this year. After doing a fulfilling show this past Saturday Night, I remembered how awesome it is to be on stage and to entertain people.

I’m excited to let you all know I have two shows in San Francisco in February. February 16, I’ll be doing short set at the Punchline; and February 17, I’ll be headlining at the Milk bar (see flyer below). At that show I’ll do a ten minute standup set and then read a chapter from the book. After the show I will have books for sale, I’ll even autograph it for you. Mucho thanks to Clay Newman for making this happen.

Check back in a week as well for show dates, more pictures and the official New York City dates. Anyone who runs a podcast, please get in touch. Love to be a guest. So stay warm, and enjoy the Superbowl. Seahawks 26 – Denver 23.

MG

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Happy 2014!

1/6/2014

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Happy 2014! I hope everyone had a safe, warm New Year filled with family and Hot Cocoa. The book has been out for almost a month and I can’t tell you how amazing the feedback has been. I’m really glad that everyone is enjoying it and passing the message on. I will be posting pictures and news of podcasts and book shows that I’m doing in the ‘Brain Humor’ section on this site. I will be in San Francisco mid-February and of course New York City in March.

Check the site as well because I’ll post reviews, positive and negative as well as links to any podcast I do. Oh and if you would like to write review on Amazon or Goodreads, that would mean the world. It is always sweet to get letters from people who have read the book and are going through tough times. If you would like to drop Virginia Bowers a line, you can email her at [email protected]. I believe she would really appreciate it.

So let’s make this a beautiful year. And all in the Midwest, stay warm.

Love Matty

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Certified Insanity Podcast

GTL: Goldberg, Tan, and Laundry

Calamity Matty

High School Reunion 2014

East Coast October Tour 2014

New York City

February 23rd, 2014

San Francisco

Update

Happy 2014!

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